Powder skirts and other things that make you go "WTF?"

So there I was standing... in the Snow and Rock. Clutching a piece of paper with some guidelines on it, and trying to look confident. Did I mention that I had got the mother of all colds while I was in Edinburgh? And that as I stood there in their Covent Garden branch, I was flushed with a hectic temperature that made me look like a nervous cocaine smuggler at the airport? And that I couldn't get my nose to stop running without shoving wads of tissue up my nostrils? And I was having an out of body experience from all the foreign meds I'd taken at lunch with a few glasses of wine? And also that I'd developed giant fever blisters on my lips that made me look like I'd had the world's worst collagen botch-job surgery, after being stung across my face by a flerd (half herd, half flock) of enormous killer bees?).  I didn't mention all of that? Hmmmm... Well, now you know.

I grabbed the first shop assistant who walked past me. A tall, skinny guy who screamed in terror at my appearance and then, after he calmed himself, asked if he could help me. I confidently stated that I needed a snow-jacket that wasn't a shell and that would work in the extreme cold.

He pulled me along to a wall of jackets, whipped one like this out and went into his sales pitch...

"So, this one is made from Helly Tech Performance fabric, 133g of Warmcore by Primaloftt, it's fully seam sealed, has articulated elbows, powder skirt, mechanical venting zips..." and then while my eyes glazed over, he carried on about its waterproof rating and something about breathability. The tissues were still shoved up my nostrils, and I vaguely wondered how cool it would be if I could breathe as well as the jacket could.

Pretty much, my thoughts at that moment were of the "WTF???" variety.

Articulate elbows? Is that what he said? I could just picture my jacket's elbows nudging other skiers on the slopes saying, "I say old chap. Jolly fine day it is, isn't it? Shall we circumnavigate this fine arterial piste, and follow that with intoxicating beverages next to the combustible fuel that's stacked in the fireplace?" I mean really, should your elbows be more articulate than you are?

And a powder skirt? What in the bloody blue blazers is a powder skirt? A skirt that has pockets for your face powder so your face doesn't get shiny on the slopes? A skirt that you sprinkle powder on so that it doesn't get shiny on the slopes? Is it something drug dealers carry cocaine in? And why the bloody hell would you be wearing a skirt in minus thirty degrees anyway?

Finally, venting zips? Well, we all like a good vent every now and again, don't we, but I don't want to be wearing zips that blow off steam to every passing person, "Oi! You there in the red! Can you believe this bloody stupid woman I'm zipped around? She's bloody useless! She got her knickers stuck in me three times when she went to the loo, and  keeps getting me caught on her arctic fleece! I want to speak to the manager! I absolutely can't stand it a second longer! And what the hell is up with that bloody skirt she's wearing anyway?"

To be continued....