Finally in Oslo

We're finally in Olso and the transit was that very rare beast: a hassle-free trip. We got decent seats, didn't sit near screaming kids or wildly- snoring adults, and the sleeping tablets did their job, and knocked us out, instead of making us hallucinate and act strangely ( okay, more strangely than usual) and get chucked off the plane. Oh wait, Poodle just reminded me that the guy sitting behind us on our flight from OR Tambo did start getting violently ill 10 minutes before take-off, and was rushed off the plane by medical staff, which caused a half hour delay. Also 6 people from our flight checked in their luggage and then went missing in the airport, and thus didn't get on the plane, which caused further delays. WTF? Where do those people go?

Does some secret portal at an airport open up to show them something cooler than international travel? Space and time travel perhaps? Do they disappear into the bowels of The Big Five duty- free shop, somewhere between the booze and perfume aisles, never to return again? Either way, it's damn annoying for the bastards who were boring enough to buy a seat, check in and then actually board, as we then have to wait for their luggage to be found and removed. Grrrrrrrrr.

We got to Munich half an hour late, then ran like mad things to catch our connecting flight to Oslo, which was then delayed by two hours. Sigh. Not a big deal. Blessing in disguise actually, as it gave us time to buy our quota of duty- free booze! Every blog and forum I read before the trip warned how expensive alcohol is in Norway, and advised us to do what the Norwegians do: buy drinks at duty-free or a bottle store, drink like Welsh Coal Miners at home or your hotel, and then go out and drink water. So we stocked up on whisky, wine and vodka at the Munich duty-free. We got to Oslo at 2pm, finally managed to find Norwegian Kroner (rarer than hen's teeth in SA, where no banks managed to find any for us to exchange), figured out the train system and managed to get to Oslo Central Train Station in one piece. A quick cab ride later, and we were at our hotel. Yay!!!!
More to follow....


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Ja, well, no fine. Think I'll need a few more layers than that!

So there I stood, eyes glazing over, while the dude in the shop waffled on about articulate elbows, powder skirts and venting zips. I quickly realised that a penis possessor was not the best person to have this conversation with. Men always make things as technical and complicated as possible; case in point: I'm pretty sure a man wrote the Kama Sutra! So I murmured something about him not getting too close to me as my fever blisters were highly contagious, and he scuttled off making the sign of the devil at my swollen mouth. Mission accomplished!

Excellent. I now cased the joint, looking for a woman who looked approachable. My gaze settled on a waif-like blonde girl who looked infinitely knowledgeable and capable. I threw myself at her mercy, wrapped my arms around her ankles, begged for help and started babbling about not wanting my elbows to be more articulate than I am, and how a skirt just didn't seem very practical in minus thirty degree temps. The poor girl gently pried my vice-like grip off of her legs, lifted me up and said, "Ouch. Those fever blisters look sore. I get them all the time too. Aren't they just awful?" If I was a lesbian, I think I would have fallen in love right there!

Anne (the pixie's name) had me sorted in no time. She calmly explained that a powder skirt is just an additional lining inside the ski jacket that is like a waterproof apron; it keeps snow from getting in between your ski jacket and your skin/bottom layers. The bottom of the powder skirt has an elastic that you tighten around your waist to keep it tight against your body, while still allowing the ski jacket to move freely without being constrictive.

And the articulate elbows? "Articulated elbows mean that the ski jacket has been contoured to follow the natural bend of your arm to make skiing easier and the movement more comfortable." Yay! I could remain the eloquent one in my relationship with my elbows!

And the venting zips? "To release moisture from you perspiring on the slopes, a ski jacket needs to be able to ventilate or breathe - the venting zips help with that, which will help keep you dry."

Duh! How easy was that?

Over the next hour, Anne helped kit Stephen and I out from head to toe. We're now the proud owners of thermal socks, very unsexy thermal underwear, mid-layers of fleece, ski pants, ski jackets, the most-unflattering head-wear that will keep us toasty, stunning goggles, gloves and then wraps to keep our neck and faces warm. The only thing I didn't get there were our snow boots. but we'll get those in Oslo upon arrival. Just as well as we're being limited to 20kgs each by Lufthansa. Ski boots alone weigh a few kilos, and it's not like we can leave Joburg in mid-summer while wearing them!

I then also bought a large Snow and Rock travel bag, and Anne packed everything into it for me as she rung it up, so we were immediately packed for holiday. Women are just so efficient and helpful! Of course, we had to take out a second bond to afford all the gear, but we figure we'll be doing a lot of snow holidays in the future, so we'll get our money's worth eventually. Arctic, here we come! Woo hoo! Just 5 sleeps left!

Powder skirts and other things that make you go "WTF?"

So there I was standing... in the Snow and Rock. Clutching a piece of paper with some guidelines on it, and trying to look confident. Did I mention that I had got the mother of all colds while I was in Edinburgh? And that as I stood there in their Covent Garden branch, I was flushed with a hectic temperature that made me look like a nervous cocaine smuggler at the airport? And that I couldn't get my nose to stop running without shoving wads of tissue up my nostrils? And I was having an out of body experience from all the foreign meds I'd taken at lunch with a few glasses of wine? And also that I'd developed giant fever blisters on my lips that made me look like I'd had the world's worst collagen botch-job surgery, after being stung across my face by a flerd (half herd, half flock) of enormous killer bees?).  I didn't mention all of that? Hmmmm... Well, now you know.

I grabbed the first shop assistant who walked past me. A tall, skinny guy who screamed in terror at my appearance and then, after he calmed himself, asked if he could help me. I confidently stated that I needed a snow-jacket that wasn't a shell and that would work in the extreme cold.

He pulled me along to a wall of jackets, whipped one like this out and went into his sales pitch...

"So, this one is made from Helly Tech Performance fabric, 133g of Warmcore by Primaloftt, it's fully seam sealed, has articulated elbows, powder skirt, mechanical venting zips..." and then while my eyes glazed over, he carried on about its waterproof rating and something about breathability. The tissues were still shoved up my nostrils, and I vaguely wondered how cool it would be if I could breathe as well as the jacket could.

Pretty much, my thoughts at that moment were of the "WTF???" variety.

Articulate elbows? Is that what he said? I could just picture my jacket's elbows nudging other skiers on the slopes saying, "I say old chap. Jolly fine day it is, isn't it? Shall we circumnavigate this fine arterial piste, and follow that with intoxicating beverages next to the combustible fuel that's stacked in the fireplace?" I mean really, should your elbows be more articulate than you are?

And a powder skirt? What in the bloody blue blazers is a powder skirt? A skirt that has pockets for your face powder so your face doesn't get shiny on the slopes? A skirt that you sprinkle powder on so that it doesn't get shiny on the slopes? Is it something drug dealers carry cocaine in? And why the bloody hell would you be wearing a skirt in minus thirty degrees anyway?

Finally, venting zips? Well, we all like a good vent every now and again, don't we, but I don't want to be wearing zips that blow off steam to every passing person, "Oi! You there in the red! Can you believe this bloody stupid woman I'm zipped around? She's bloody useless! She got her knickers stuck in me three times when she went to the loo, and  keeps getting me caught on her arctic fleece! I want to speak to the manager! I absolutely can't stand it a second longer! And what the hell is up with that bloody skirt she's wearing anyway?"

To be continued....

An African in the Arctic - Shopping

So there I was, headed into Snow and Rock to shop for the trip, completely overwhelmed, and about to ask for "warm snow-suit-type-stuff". As I looked up at the 5 floors of stock looming above me, I felt like I was heading into battle armed with a toothbrush, and an old dodgy one at that. Luckily, a wonderful girl that I'd been to school with years before, had taken pity on me and how useless I was, and she'd mailed me a fabulous list to use as a guide for the shopping expedition.

Huge thanks to Jannine Samways McClure (who has travelled extensively and lived the most amazing life) for this very informative list. My notes are added in brackets:

·   Thermal underwear - get leggings and long sleeved tops - they are unsexy!! :) but amazing in keeping heat in - they will go under normal clothes and ski gear - get a few pairs each as they get sweaty on the slopes.  Get the smaller tighter fitting ones every time - baggy ones won't work as well. (Damn, I don't do tight clothes! I like things baggy! That's why I never took up scuba diving - they won't sell me a baggy wet suit.)

·   Thick explorer socks - unisex again. (Hmmm... Haven't noticed that Dora the Explorer has particularly thick socks. Must ask my 3 year old niece about this...)

·   Thinsulate gloves with liners....so these are like waterproof gloves (great in the snow and wet) and inside they have a smaller, thinner pair. 

·   Any ski goggles - they start about US$40 which is fine - just 2 requirements....1. get polarized as the glare from white snow can be blinding - sunnies work too but only if its not snowing :) 2. get a pair with a small vent that you can open and close as they can fog up ..its usually a little plastic clip on the top you can move up and down. (Oooooh yes. Now we're talking. I've seen pics of people wearing these on the slopes and they're super sexy. Now, I'll still look like the Oros man, but at least I'll look like a sexy Oros man.)

·   Long sleeve t-shirts - any thickness - these are great over thermals and under ski jackets. (The only thing I was able to buy in SA during our Winter. Phew!)

·   Ski pants and jackets - any brand is fine so long as they are waterproof outside - a warm lining is preferred - if there is no lining inside the jackets they are usually called "shells" - I'd advise against shells and suggest jackets with lining.  (Honestly even in the coldest weather, thermal undies with waterproof pants on the bottom combined with thermal top, t-shirt and lined ski jacket on top is fine).

·   Scarf - or I use something called a neck gator (try Google an image) but it pulls over your head and goes around your neck - is better than scarf as it wont unravel and can be pulled up over your face for protection against the elements. (Excellent. Wonder how many bank robberies are committed near the slopes?)

·   Beanie - try get one that has a lining - it's all very well as I learnt the hard way :), to get a cute knitted woollen one but when the wind starts up - those cute little holes between the wool aren't so cute anymore :) (This is very important to remember. Stephen has a ginormous cranium and so a lot of heat can escape from that sucker if we don't keep it heated!)

·   Carabina clips - these are great for clipping outer gloves, ski goggles, ski passes etc on your ski jacket - also mini lip balms and sun blocks with rings on them for easy clipping (these are usually available on the slope);

·   If it is sunny - sunblock no question!!!  the snow is reflective! (OMG, seriously??? Sun block in - 30 degree temps. Crazy!)

·   Moisturiser for windburn - I promise your skin will hurt so slather up :)

·   Optional but fun - hand and feet warmers - these look like mini sanitary pads and you peel the back off and stick on your sole outside your sock before putting your boot on and between the inner and outer layers of gloves.  No skin contact.  They heat up and last about 4 hours...not necessary but useful if you really feel the cold. (LMAO. Can't wait to hand Stephen heated sanitary pads...)

·   Tissues - your nose will run :) (Hmmmm... I'm a pill popper, better add Advils to the list as well.)

·   Camelbak - is a small flat backpack that you put water in and drink form - kind of optional but worth having instead of bottled water which is bulky. (Sounds better than camel toe so I'm in! Wonder if we can put sherry in it instead of water?)

I had this list clutched in my grubby little paws, and I was set to go.

To be continued...

An African in the Arctic

So, despite the fact that a South African national pastime is to bitch and moan about the cold in winter, our winters are extremely mild. We average 10 degrees in the middle of our coldest season - that's nothing! Most Europeans consider that to be quite balmy, and can be seen decked out in speedos and flip-flops, standing outside next to a barbeque; cremating their meat in the rain. (Unfortunately, very pale limbs sprout from said speedos, which is not at all a sexy look, unless you live in an Albino nudist colony, so they really should stick to longs. Also, leave the braaing to us!).

So then, when an African goes to the Arctic, the following phrases jump to mind: "fish out of water" and "fark, they're going to freeze their bollocks off".

Which is why buying the right gear to protect said bollocks is so important! Apparently jeans, takkies and a windbreaker just won't cut it. But what will?

That was the question on my mind when I ventured off to Snow and Rock in Covent Garden to do our Arctic shopping.

And the vague mission in my head as I walked through the door was: buy warm snow-suit-type stuff.

But did you know that warm-snow-suit-type stuff (I'm going to trademark that name, so that when Africans walk in the door of these type of stores and ask for it, they'll be led straight to my exclusive range of safari-suit styled snow gear, and I'll be rich!), is not as straightforward as it sounds? That you get basic shells, and then clothing with lining, stuff that's waterproof and stuff that isn't, clothing that will keep you warm in -10 degrees, but not in -40 degrees, outfits that will make you look like the Oros man because they're so poofy and then stuff that's very slim but is far warmer than the bulky stuff, etc.

It boggles the mind!

To be continued...