The Edinburgh Festival - Fricken Fabulously Fantastic!

So let's talk about the Edinburgh Festival, that's actually made up of a gazillion sub-festivals (okay, not a gazillion, but if you had as much to drink as I did, you don't just see double, you see quadruple, so the statement won't seem that hyperbolic).

If you're there in August, you have the Jazz & Blues Festival (I'm unfortunately not a big fan; I keep waiting for the damn chorus and those stupid porkpie hats irritate me), the Art Festival, the Military Tattoo, the Festival Fringe, the International Festival and the Book Festival. It's a gigantic, wildly eclectic production that all takes place to the backdrop of a huge purple cow. And its udders. I'm udderly serious.

My favourites were the Fringe Festival and the Book Festival. The Fringe is the world's largest arts festival with more than 2500 shows in 250 venues across the city. It's open to all so absolutely anyone can perform, and everyone does; from students to psychopaths. Personally, the psychopaths are my favourites. These poor individuals are mostly complete unknowns who have gigantic brass balls, and are prepared to bravely schlep across the country to desperately try and become famous. Which they can only do if they can get you to come to their shows. And this is achieved by hijacking you on The Royal Mile and offering you sexual favours to buy tickets to their performances. I didn't take anyone up on the offer. Mostly because I'm married, and they're all freaks.

See Exhibit A

Err, the freak on the left belongs to me... The rest belong to Edinburgh.

Trying to get to see everything is impossible, and even with meticulous planning, you'll still only get to see a few highpoints. Mostly because there are a million bars scattered all over the place, and try as you might to fight it, the Festival is thirsty work. So you'll need to stop, often, to rehydrate yourself, which might lead you to get distracted and miss the next show.

But if you're one of those stubborn sort who are adamant about seeing shows, you'll have a wide selection to choose from: solo shows, Shakespeare adaptations (mostly done by Asian touring groups), comedy, drama and a lot of children's theatre too. One day, we went to see a kids' production bizarrely called Bag Puss. Don't ask.

So if you plan to head off to the festival next year, my advice to you is to start taking liver tonic now. Also pack a raincoat at all times, and don't get your best friend to buy one for you, as she'll sadistically hide it the entire time you're there, and only give it to you on the last day. Then, get a guide to the festival so you know what's on offer, but the best place to get advice is from other festival goers, which you can do during those rehydrating activities I told you about. See, so it's not just drinking; it's research. Finally, let your inner fashion freak come out. All those things you've always been too self conscious to wear? This is the time to wear them! No one will give you a second look. Except repressed South Africans who have no sense of fashion.

See Exhibit B