The highlights post

So... we have a blog. I use the term "we" loosely here, because even though this blog is meant to be a team effort, apparently there is no "Steve" in "team". And most of what we blog about, has been the more memorable events since we've arrived in Canada. But there are a lot of little incidents that occur on a day-to-day basis that make us laugh - most of which can't take up a blog post on their own, so generally don't get mentioned.

 

So every now and again, "we're" going to throw in a "highlights" post -  something that includes a few anecdotes/memorable moments that we've had along the way.

 

Here are a few of them:

 

1.   A lot of Canadians will listen to you speak, and suddenly go, “Oh my God! I love your accent”, and while you swell with pride, they go on to say things like: “I just love you Brits/Germans/Albanians”. We were on a guided boat tour one day when the tour guide told us how much she loves our accent, and how she has a Scottish friend, and she’s always making him read the newspaper or adverts to her because she loves our accent so much. Ooookayyyy. So after that, Stephen and I have taken to speaking to each other in Scottish accents. Abysmal Scottish accents, it must be said, but still. So the other day, in a shoe shop, Stephen said something and I replied, in my best guttural accent, with, “I kannee awurreee abooot that nooo.” I thought I was so good, it was a pity I wasn’t wearing a kilt. And the woman in the shop turned around and said, “Oh my God! I love your accent. You from Australia?” Bollocks, we've been banjanxed!

2.  We’ve had quite a few memorable moments on subways and buses besides the crazy soup lady that I blogged about. Stephen sat next to a black man on the subway, who spent the entire journey muttering under his breath how much he hates the whites and how he plans to kill them all. When Stephen asked, “Julius, is that you?”, the guy replied that his name was Africa, and what kind of black man has a name like Julius? I kid you not - you can not make this shit up! Then, I had an older gentleman (must have been in his 70s) tell me, also on the subway, that I look like a frisky young Demi Moore, and would I like to join him for dinner on his boat. When I asked if his boat needed Viagra to stay afloat, he burst out laughing, called me “sassy” and then shiftily put away the bottle of pills he’d been hopefully clutching. Considering that I’ve seen the activity sheet for a nearby retirement village, and that most of the scheduled talks are about geriatric sexuality and how to use a sex swing without breaking a hip, the old codger is clearly the poster boy for his generation. You go Grandpa!

3.   We went to Awenda National Park for camping, and there’s a stunning beach there on the lake that’s just for dogs. Stephen and I went for a walk to have a look at it, and we got chatting to a woman and her partner, who had their dogs on the beach. I was just telling her that we had issues getting Muggle to come back when we let her off leash and called her back, when she said to me, “I have crack cocaine”. What the hell do you say to that? “That’s great, can I have some?” or "Your mother must be so proud! Is she your dealer?". If you don’t know someone very well, it’s hard to assess if they’re being serious or not. I’ve had moments here where people say things like, “I really love Justin Bieber”,  and I burst out laughing only to establish that they’re being serious, and are now very pissed off with me for dissing a Canadian treasure. Off topic, I got chatting to a young Irish hairdresser one day, and after five minutes of us talking, he said, “Darling, I love your sense of humour, but I tink you’re going to piss a lot of Canadians off”. Apparently Canadians have a very PC sense of humour and are easily offended. I look forward to properly investigating this and letting you know. So when a Canadian woman tells you that she has crack cocaine, you kinda think it isn’t a joke and you’ve attracted the weirdos once again. I think I muttered, “That’s nice”, before starting to sidle away, when she reached into her pocket, pulled something out, shoved it at me, and said, “Here it is”. Turned out to be freeze-dried liver which the dogs love and will do anything for. She was suggesting we  use it as bait for when we’re calling Muggle back to us. So much for my first Canadian experience with drugs.

4.  Our pet sitter is called Lois, and every time I’d call her to check if she’s free, she’s answer the phone, “Hi there, this is Lois Lane”. I’d kill myself laughing, even though it got tired the third or fourth time, but I wanted to humour her as she clearly got a kick out of impersonating Superman’s girlfriend. Last weekend, we arrived home to a note she’d written to us about the dogs. And it was written on her business card which stated “Lois Lane”. As her real name. I mean come on! Who names their kid that? I wanted to die thinking of how rude she must have thought me to be every time I called her and laughed at her! The last time I did that was in SA, and the guy’s name was Blackie Swart, which I also thought was a joke. Especially since he was racist. It's like being called Sakkie de Kock and being homophobic!

5.  I have a very sarcastic sense of humour – some of you may know that about me. So when I walk my very pretty Golden Retriever, and she’s wearing a pink collar, a pink harness and a pink lead, as well as having shiny pink bling around her neck, and some woman asks me, “Is that a boy or a girl?”, I’m gonna get sarcastic. “It’s a boy,” I said, “He’s just gay and we feel we should allow him to express his feminine side.” I did not expect her to exclaim in all seriousness, “Oh my God, how did he tell you?". It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't been stopped two days later by another woman with a very butch-looking Alsatian on a green lead. She sidled up to me and whispered, "I hear you're the one with the gay dog. I think my Jodie is a lesbian. Got any tips?".

 

Ah yes. Never a dull moment in Canadia :-)