Trying to train a Muggle

So we signed Muggle up for obedience training, and I was not at all looking forward to taking her. In order for you to understand why, you need to know a few things about Muggle:

1. She is psychotic. Seriously. She'll start off chasing her tail on the floor, get distracted by shiny objects, do a Kung Fu/Matrix move to get her on the bed (while still chasing her tail), fall off the bed, bounce off the cat, ricochet off Dobby, stop all activity.... Shake her head to clear her thoughts... And then go, "I have a tail! Woo Hoo!", and start the skirmish with herself all over again.
2. She is clumsy. As fuck. She can't walk a straight line on a level surface without falling over. A lot.
3. She suffers from OCD. She has these weird little quirks that can drive you nuts: she'll only walk on your right, she won't step on cracks in the pavement, she won't go for pees and poops on the same outing (one output per walk), and she insists on sleeping on our heads at night - she refuses to sleep anywhere else.
4. She thinks a wrist is a chew toy and a man's crotch is a trampoline. Ask Poodle, Don, Kevin, Pierre, my Dad, my brother, Shayne and just about every penis possessor who has braved a visit. They all arrive screaming, "No Muggle, not my bollocks!", and leave talking in a higher pitch.
5. She thinks butterflies and moths are disobedient snacks with wings.

The closest training class is 1km away, which seemed fairly do-able when I booked the class while we were still in SA. I started to seriously have doubts though once Muggle arrived in the city, and was freaked out by aircon units, cars, ants, plants, leaves, bikes, people, grass, her own paws, Dobby, us and just about everything else.

Anyway, training day dawned and I was told to bring a lot of treats for reward training, which I did. Muggle and I set off to walk the 1km to her class.

We got past the automatic sliding doors of a nearby shop with minimal freaking out. I gave her a few treats and coaxed her on. A rogue Yorkie caused her to stumble, but she kept going in the direction of a few more treats. A bus that pulled up next to us almost set her off, but she was convinced to forge ahead with a few more treats. As we were crossing a major intersection, some fuckwit almost skipped the robot, and he came to a screeching halt a few inches away from her.

To be continued.... Sorry, but I'm long winded and these stories need to be told properly. No shouting at me.


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