Part 2 of "How to train your Muggle"

Continued from previous post...

So there we were, me coaxing Muggle all the way to obedience training by feeding her the treats I was told to bring for training, and trying to stop her from having an absolute nervous breakdown on the way.

That's when the fuckwit skipped the red light, and almost ran her over.

(Allow me this quick aside. I'm an avid people watcher, and since we've been here, I've watched quite a few road rage incidents with great fascination. Firstly, let me just say that very few Canadians have what I thought would be the Canadian accent. Not many of them say, "I'll be oot and aboot 'ey!". Even if you ask them nicely. Especially if you ask them nicely. Which is a huge pity. Most of them sound disappointingly American. So I studied how they insult one another in traffic, which came in very handy during my exchange with the fuckwit who almost ran over my dog).

Picture the scene:

Fuckwit brakes just inches from Muggle who is crossing a major intersection.
Muggle has the nervous breakdown I'd been trying to avoid.
I storm up to the man's car, wanting to lean in his window, but get stopped short by the lead I'm holding onto. Muggle is a dead weight and refuses to budge from the middle of the road. I settle, instead, for pounding on the man's bonnet (which is called the "hood" here), and I start yelling in an American accent, while waving my arms around a lot:
"Hey man! What the fuck's your fucking problem? Waddaya think yer doin' ? Are you trying to kill my dog? What are you? Like some kind of dog hater? Is that your problem? Are you a dog murderer? Do you want me to kick your ass? Is that what you want? For me to kick your lily livered, yellow bellied, dog murdering ass? Because I will! I will kick your dog-hating damn ass!"

I think I did a fairly good emulation of the road rage incidents I'd seen, because he gave me the finger which is mandatory, but it lacked menace. I could see he wanted to get the hell away from the crazy dog lady, but Muggle was still lying in the road. I swaggered away in triumph, but the effect was kind of ruined by me having to lift up a 30kg dog, and drag her across the intersection while she gnawed on my wrist.

After ten minutes and another bag of treats, we were able to start walking again, and finally got to the class which was being held in a basement of a church. A puppy class was just letting out and 10 gorgeous 2-5 month old puppies came running out. I was in heaven. I spread myself across the doorway so they all had to climb over me to leave. I firmly believe puppy breath should be bottled and used as a natural anti-depressant.

Then our class started.

First thing I was asked was to get out the training treats. I groveled and groveled in my rucksack, but there were none left. I'd used up 2 bags of treats just getting Muggle to the class! Needless to say, we did not make a good first impression by appearing unprepared. The fact that Muggle then walked up to the trainer, wagged her tail, burped loudly and then vomited two bags of treats on her sandals did not help either.

I thought we'd be unceremoniously ejected from training at that point, but lucky for us, Winston chose that moment to make his big entrance. Winston is also a Golden Retriever and is even more psycho than Muggle; if that's possible. He didn't vomit on the trainer, but he did run up and start humping her leg. I've never been happier to see a horny dog in my life.

After that, the training didn't go too badly. Of course, Muggle was besotted with Winston, but isn't that always the way? Chicks of all species just love bad boys. Gonna have to keep an eye on that horny little bastard over the next 6 weeks.


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