Where Douglas Gleen?

So they say you should be careful what you wish for. Hate it when they're right!

Poodle and I left Tromso early yesterday morning, waited around a lot, flew to Oslo, waited around a lot, then flew to Helsinki.





Was really cool to see them defrosting the plane before take-off; Oslo was minus 8 and the plane looked like it was covered in icing!



Got here late last night, so we only got to explore this morning. Our hotel is a really cool converted prison (know it sounds dodgy, but it really isn't- will post more info later), and the breakfast is superb. We loaded up on the buffet this morning, then set out to see what Helsinki is all about.

Err, it's mostly about boats, seagulls and cathedrals from what we could ascertain. And a protest march or two.
























And an opera house or two. Plus a few shopping centers. Let's put it this way, they have a statue of a man who looks constipated listed as the number 3 thing to do here. I wouldn't do that statue if you paid me! But, I digress. After a very long walk around Helsinki, we decided to stop at a pub called Old Hat, to have a bite and a drink or three.

As we came out, we saw that our most cherished wish had come true. The city was being lovingly embraced by a small blizzard - a "blizzette" if you will. Winds of 50km an hour and hard ninja-like snow billowing down. Yippee!!

Another digression, if you'll be so kind as to allow it: we've read that Eskimos have 50 words for "snow" and we now understand why. So far, we've come up with a few words of our own:

* Angel's dandruff - nice, soft, dry, gentle snow that swirls around your head playfully
* Kievits kamikaze - snow that's as sharp and aggressive as Kievit birds in SA that dive-bomb you on the golf course.

The "blizzette" contained the Kievits kamikaze kind. I will continue this post in play-form so you can appreciate the dialogue. "B" is me, and "S" is the fuck-wit I'm married to:

B: Yay! A blizzard. Shall we frolic my good man?
S: Indeed! Let us frolic all the way back to hotel where we can have an afternoon nap.
B: Excellent plan.

(We head off, leaning into the strong winds, feeling our breath taken away by the iciness in the air, and enjoying the snow until....)

S: Ouch!
B: What?
S: A snowflake just bitch-slapped me in the eye!
B: Stop being a big girl, it's just a little - ouch!
S: What?
B: A Ninja snowflake attacked my eye too!
S: Look, there's the South African embassy, let's go lay a complaint about the assault we've suffered at the hands of Finnish snow!
B: *snort* Let's rather go tell them we're laying a complaint against Julius Malema, and tell them we are seeking asylum.
S: More like : "My wife is crazy, and needs to be put into an asylum."

B bitch-slaps S and they carry on walking. After a few minutes:

B: None of this looks familiar, are you sure you know where you're going?
S: Of course I know where I'm going! I'm the Minister of Maps and Directions, aren't I?
B: True, and I'm the Minister of Everything Else. Still, I don't think we're going in the right direction. Why don't you consult the map?
S: I don't need to consult the map. I know exactly where we are.

Ten minutes of walking through a blizzard later:

S: I think we need to stop and consult the map.





B mutters darkly about idiot penis-possessors who should have consulted the map ten minutes ago.

S: Err, I think we're not going in the right direction.
B: What direction should we be going in?
S: Err, the opposite direction.
B: So you've made us walk 10 minutes in a blizzard in the wrong direction?
S: It would appear so.
B: Your only job is to know where we are and where the hell we're going!
S: But why was I given that job?
B: Because you took Geography up until Matric, and you need to play to your strengths!
S: Why didn't you take Geography at school?
B: Because Mrs Eksteen scared me! And besides, I took Maths, Biology, Science and Computer Science, which have all been way more useful!
S: Yes, and how have any of those helped us on this trip?
B: Maths came in handy with me being the Minister of Finance on this trip! Have we, or have we not, stayed within budget?
S: We have. Okay, what about Biology? How has that helped?
B: I'm the minister of Family Planning. Have we, or have we not, fallen pregnant on this holiday?
S goes pale: I hope we haven't.
B: Trust me, we haven't. And the Computer Science with Mr van Tonder came in extremely useful, because this whole trip was planned on computer!
S: Fine! What about Science then?
B: Give me enough time, and I can scientifically prove you're a toss- fuck who has no sense of direction!

To be continued....


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